Sweet Old Ladies Will Soon Be Dead

That’s not a threat.  I’m not in the business of euthanasia, assassination, or fortune telling.  Nor is this even a literal statement.  Figuratively, this is the prediction of  the impending extinction of sweet, caring, warm, grandmotherly, old ladies.

Typically I try to include some sort of half-baked plan-of-action to remedy society’s woes.  In this instance, I’m afraid our only salvation would be a time machine.  The sweet old ladies’ fate has already been sealed, and the guilty culprit: the feminist movement.



Today’s popular conception of society has the female as the headstrong, dominant, voice of reason within the household.  Don’t believe me?  Then you’ve never seen an episode of, “Home Improvement”, “The Simpsons”, “Everybody Loves Raymond”, “King of Queens”, “Family Guy”, “Curb Your Enthusiasm”, “The Cosby Show”, “Mad About You”, or  “Lucky Louie” (for the few minutes it was on air).  Sure, TV is not, and should not, be our sole measure of reality, but do you think a show like “Everybody Loves Raymond” would have grabbed hold with popular culture in the 50s?  Of course not.  Don’t forget, art imitates life.

The home isn’t the only place where feminist roots have taken hold.  In the workforce women are 0.18% away from becoming the majority, and now that females largely outnumber males in college, that figure is likely already dated.

I can sense the collective female bloodpool approaching a near boiling point, so here is where I’ll state that I don’t find this to be a bad thing.  Of course women should have equal rights, value, and standing within society.  I’m not Islamist.  But even positive movements can have negative consequences.  In this instance, the rise to power of the businesswoman will eventually spell the end of the warm, grandmotherly figure who wants nothing more than to make you smile by way of meatballs, caseroles, cookies, and pies.  Forecasts say that in the next 20 years she will become an endangered species and some studies even predict that she could be extinct by 2050 (reference: Zach’s Intuition).  Think about it.

Reduced domestication leads to reduced cooking, baking, and knitting (basic science).  However, this reduction in material goods is only the tip of the iceberg.  As women become more dominant in the workforce, the phrase “stay-at-home-dad” will become more commonplace.  As the Michael Keatons of the world start to raise children, the duty to be “caretaker” will eventually evolve out of women’s DNA.  And there’s no denying this grandmother quality is the one we find most enduring (although pie comes in a close second).  A giant, sincere grandmotherly hug has the ability to cure cancer, fight crime, and travel through time if used appropriately (E = GrandMa²).

So what will become of these old ladies?  Is this innate, sweet nature going to be swapped for a thorny old hag-like qualities. No, that’s a bit drastic.  My foresight see’s more of a “remember to ask 4 questions, sit up straight, make eye contact, and send a follow up e-mail with 36 hours to nail the interview,” versus a, “ahhh, you didn’t get the job?  That’s okay, here’s four buckets of cookies.  I love you my little sugarbug.” Unconditional love will be replaced with high expectations.

So, if men are going to be in large part taking the place of women, we can expect to see the sweet, old guy, right?  Sorry, but this is not the case.  First of all, even if this trade were going to take place, it is not an equal exchange.  It is a factual statement that the sweet, old lady sits atop the hierarchy of quality people in society.  Second of all, the only reason there are any sweet, old guys in the first place is because they’ve been shaped that way by their sweet, old wives.  As soon as this pillar falls, the sweet, old man will undoubtedly crumble into a pile of bitter old, dust.

If there’s any silver lining to this bleak future, it’s that this unraveling will effect only future generations.  I’ve already gotten my share of quality, sweet, old lady time.  Since the baby boomer population is the first to be part of the feminist moment, the generation proceeding mine will be the first to experience this sea change.  Eventually, when generation Y reaches the age of grandparenthood, the term, “sweet, old lady” can be found only in history books (and of course zrdavis.com).

The moral of this story is don’t take your sweet, old lady for granted.  Much like the polar ice caps, this is something our grandchildren will know nothing about.