Profound Truths on the Appalachian Trail
A large part of the reason I decided to embark on an adventure as epic as hiking the Appalachian Trail, was for a renewed mental clarity. I assumed that consecutive months spent in the woods would break life down to its simplest components and earth’s profound truths would be all that remained. Turns out, I was right.
Being the selfless person that I am, I have decided to share the profound truths that have found me along my journey so far.
Here they are:
- Peeing into the wind is, in fact, a bad idea. Peeing downwind, however, makes you feel like a superhero.
- It has been said that trail mix in fact tastes significantly better while out on the trail. This is true. Other foods that also fit this description: all of them.
- White chocolate macadamia is scientifically the best Clif bar flavor.
- Over the last two months, I have given an excessive amount of thought for food. This in itself has created food for thought, which unfortunately is not edible.
- I have spent the last four weeks trying to determine which is sweeter, glucose or Glenn Close. The results are still inconclusive.
- Psychedelic mushrooms grow wildly in animal feces. I’m guessing that the first person to try one, likely did not know of its effects. I am also guessing this person did not have many friends.
- The best possible name for a product that removes mildew is- Mildon’t. The generic version will be called Milmaybe.
- When hiking uphill, I rely very heavily on the use of my Leki hiking poles, where my arms brunt the majority of the work. If you listen very carefully, you can hear my arms saying, “I’ll take it from here, bitch.” Ironically, it appears that my arms wear all of the pants in the limb relationship.
- There are few pains worse than the feeling of intense chaffing and then having to walk another dozen miles. Giving birth, is not one of them. Getting beat up by a Sasquatch, also not one of them.
- When it comes to cell service trees have a much stronger interference level than do testicles. In regards to general decision making, however, the opposite is the case.