Extra Large Enablers
Scene: While at the grocery store, rummaging through the produce section like I know what a good cantaloupe looks like (I don’t), my afternoon is instantly ruined by the venomous noise of a screaming toddler. It’s an unmistakable combination of unreasonable complaining with pure hysteria. Words, screaming, and dry heave crying are blended together like it was the latest offering from Jamba Juice.
“BUUUUUTTT MAAAAAAAHMMYY…I WAAAAAAANNNNTT (scream/cry/snot chorus) THE ROBOT DINOSAUR BOATTTTTTTT DVVDDDD (repeat chorus)”
Of course by the end of this song, Mom is so suicidal that she’ll grant Screamy whatever material object will allow her 12 seconds of escape from the constant torment of raising a child. Screamy gets the robot dinosaur boat DVD (i have no idea what kids like), mommy gets a little bit of quiet, and The Good Badger gets livid.
When you give your kid what they want after throwing a tantrum, you reinforce their bratiness. You teach them that tantrum –> reward, the same way Pavlov’s dogs learned ringing bell –> food (this is how Pavlov got the idea to start Taco Bell).
There’s a term for these kind of parents – they’re enablers. While their poor parenting techniques make for brattier children, I’m always an iPod away from sweet salvation.
Fat people, however, directly effect me.
So what’s my beef with fat people? (Clearly pun is intended)
Fat people are ruining free t-shirts for America, and quite frankly, I’m sick of it.
I’m a big fan of giveaway t-shirts. This is not because I’m cheap (I am), get irrationally excited by free (I do), or am being funny by wearing a Municipality of Monroeville shirt (I try). I get a sincere joy out of free clothing because it delays any need to go near a mall. However, this joy is almost always immediately met by an equal degree of disappointment when I discover what I’ve been handed is not a t-shirt, but instead a small tent with holes.
Really Humana- the only people who can fit into this t-shirt will be denied your insurance due to pre-existing lard (for at least the next few months anyways). I realize that 97% of the population can fit into an XXL, but just because I can easily cover my torso with this fabric doesn’t mean it fits. This is just another example of how trying to please everybody pleases only very big bodies.
You’re punishing the people who take care of themselves.
Linda runs 4 triathlons a year, consumes only salad, salmon, and Starbucks, and when she’s handed a long sleeve shirt at the Bronco’s game, she’s not sure whether to put it on or camp in it. Sorry Frontier Airlines, you and your socially unconscious giveaway clothing just cost you a customer.
You’re rewarding the fat.
Even worse than punishing the fit, is rewarding the fat. You’re enabling bad behavior, just like the pushover mom. When a heavy set dude walks into Dodger Stadium and comfortably slides into an XXL, you’ve just made his weight issue a non-issue. His only semi-obese friend feels the need to eat a half dozen Dodger Dogs in order to make his gut conform to the parachute draped over him.
The cynic in this argument might say, “don’t they go through enough torment living in their fat shoes without making them feel terrible about not being able to squeeze into a large?” No. This isn’t about making people feel bad. This is an effort to reiterate the sincerity of their problem. Either this will open their eyes to show how unhealthy they are or it will infuriate them. Either way….
So am I picking on fat people, or the companies that cater to them?
I’m targeting companies that cater to fat people.
When a 300 lb. woman can fit into your free shirt, it means it’s too big. Way too big. The only thing that should cover 300 lbs. is two shirts because 300 lbs. should be two people. You’re helping to keep fat people fat, and enraging Good Badgers in the process. Do I have the authority to put all of these businesses on Colbert’s “On Notice” board?
I’m targeting fat people.
Businesses don’t have free will. They’re not able to make decisions based on things like social conscious, in your best interest, morality, or any other phrases that would imply caring. Businesses are built with profit tunnel vision. Their purpose is to make money. They will cater to the masses, even if the masses are massive.
Now if you will excuse me, my frozen bacon pot pie just finished in the microwave….