Full Transcript:

There are few things in life more important than having your cat become an online celebrity.  This post offers a blueprint for how to achieve this as quickly as possible.

1)  Make Them Do Human Things
Can your cat do your taxes?  You won’t know until you make them try!  If Captain Buttons isn’t willing to eat with a fork (see: above), you can always consider a kitty orphanage.

2)  Indiscriminate Feeding
Although we love Mr. Whiskers very deeply, his well being must take an indefinite backseat to our Viral aspirations. Remember, cats don’t know how much KFC is too much KFC.

3)  Showcase Discomfort
If Professor Pickles isn’t winding up in highly  claustrophobic situations himself, don’t hesitate to take the initiative.  A quick slip down the drain or stuffing into the mailbox should be good for a few hundred thousand YouTube views.

4)  Illiterate Captions
Cats don’t talk, right? WRONG!  They do, all the time.  It just happens to be very illiterately, and often while wearing costumes. Pretend that Sir Flufferton has the speech capacity of a retarded child and then immediately go on standby to receive the call from Oprah’s producers.